The other day, my friend Karen gave me a ziploc bag full of slop and a piece of paper with the title "Amish Friendship Bread". I'm supposed to leave this bag of stuff on my counter for the next ten days. The first five days have strict and technical instructions to "mush the bag." I'm on day 6 and today I get to add flour. And sugar and milk.
Call me crazy but am I not making a concoction of rancid milk and moldy wet flour? Is she trying to show me how much I mean to her or is she trying to poison me?
I keep having to remember to "mush" it. And then sometimes, without telling me, Howie will mush it too and I don't know if that's okay. Plus, I keep losing the instructions and am not sure I'm really on the right day. It's starting to ferment and the bag is full of air and when I let it out it didn't exactly smell, erm...appetizing.
If you ask me, it's a lot of mushing, and mixing, and adding and waiting and baking and separating and marking and not enough eating. Seriously Karen, is this supposed to be friendship bread or hateship bread because it's a lot of work. And pressure. And I'm getting stressed out!
What's with these Amish women anyway? The way they honor their friends is by making them work harder? How bout this, Karen. Instead of separating the batter into five different bags and distributing it, why don't I just call up five of my closest friends and tell them to come over and clean my house. Because I want to show how much I care.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't appreciate the gesture. And Karen loves me and if she reads this she will roll her eyes and give me the finger (yes I can see you). But really, in the future if any of you want to show how much you value my friendship, just bring me the things that I love the most. Lots and lots of tequila...and porn.