To: My Three Stooges
From: Mama Bear
Re: It's ten o'clock and I have no idea where my children are
Could you please stop taddling on your brother and sister. Really, I don't need a minute by minute description of the plays your brother is making in the backyard. It's like I'm listening to a really bad sports broadcaster. "And now he's running without his shoes and just stepped in a pile of poop. That'll be a smelly mess to clean up. He's climbing up the slide, you know he's not supposed to be climbing up the slide because the sun is hot and it makes the slide hot and it will burn his butt and then he will start crying and I don't want to hear him cry. And now he's wiping his feet on the grass and looking at me. Why is he looking at me? Tell him to stop LOOOOOOKING at ME!" And that's when I yank my head from my body, set it down on the ground and walk away from you. You're not just you're brother's keeper, you're mine as well. Like that time we were reading a book which featured a cow with her baby calf and when I read the word "calf" you said.."that's not right, what you just said, it can't be right. You are wrong. Wrong, I say, wrong as wrong can be, read it again." And when I read it again you insisted that I MUST be getting my letters mixed up because the letters do not spell "calf", they in fact spell "baby cow" and there is a HUGE difference. I put the book down, ran downstairs and retrieved my college degree, handed it to you and explained that I received this piece of paper which cost $50,000 after four years of demonstrating the ability to read so you don't have to take my word for it that I do in fact KNOW HOW TO
I picked you up from summer school one day and as we were walking away I overheard the teachers marveling at how far you've come and my chest swelled with pride. It's not all peaches and roses though. You've truly found your voice and sometimes it's oozing with ugliness. Like the other day when I went to get you in the morning and you screamed "close the door and GET OUT!" Yeah, you definitely got your point across but I didn't know whether to be proud of you or open the door and crack your teeth. It took about 5 weeks but you are finally potty trained. Okay, so you still poop at night in your night time diaper pants but during the day you go potty. What finally worked? Bribery with Spiderman fruit snacks. Every time you go potty I give you a little pack of treats. You tell me when you need to go and if I leave you naked you will even go to the potty by yourself. The only downside is that you've learned that it's a piss for a treat and since you've trained your bladder to hold or release on command you will go 5 million times a day and soon your teeth will rot out of your mouth. You and Birdie have been playing on Playhouse Disney online. You watch a show featuring Lou and Lou (The Safety Patrol), who are a boy and girl set of twins. They spot different safety violations as they go about their day. And now you both think that you are Lou and Lou and you take pleasure in pointing out all of my transgressions. Like when I drive with my cell phone. You both sit screaming in the back seat. "SAFETY VIOLATION! SAFETY VIOLATION! Driving with a cell phone is a SAFETY VIOLATION!" Yeah? It is but do you know what is a BIGGER safety violation? Driving while reaching back and strangling your kids! You also do this if I move the car 2 inches without a seat belt or if I don't stop at a red light AS SOON as it turns red, even if I'm a mile from the stop light. Funny this is, I can put on lip gloss while looking in the rear view mirror, drink a gallon of rum, balance a fish bowl on my head or play with matches while I'm driving yet those don't qualify as safety violations because they haven't done a show on THAT yet.
You started grinding your teeth this month. Every time you do it I get a spinal spasm that travels all way up my back and into the back of my head and I start twitching and vomiting all over. One of these days I'm going to look into your mouth and you won't have any teeth left because they will be whittled down so far down that they barely stick out of your gums! You've become mommy's extra set of eyes when it comes to your brother and sister. You will follow them around as they engage in their shenanigans and then you come running back to me and emphatically tell me what they are doing. Except that I can't really understand what you are saying so I just nod my head and say "oh my GOSH, that is terrible, what happened next?" To which you shake your head and point your finger in their direction and let out a sigh. You look EXACTLY like I do when I've finally had it with them and I tell your daddy that "he better