Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Feeling Worthless

Cuckoo clock
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I often read a blog called The Journey. It's about a young girl named Katie who at the age of 18, gave up her life; her family, her friends, her boyfriend, her education, her comforts and moved to a village in Uganda.  There, all by herself, she set up a ministry and by adoption or fostering, became a mother to 14 children.  She also devotes herself to feeding and caring for countless others.

Her blogs reads like love letters to Jesus.  They are inspiring and beautiful.  Every time I read her, I feel two things: inspired and worthless.  I'm motivated do do more, to give more for God.  I want to give but I have to be honest, I don't want to move to Uganda. I don't want the sacrifices she describes. This makes me feel insecure, selfish and insignificant.

Does this mean I don't love God enough and that I'm not fulfilling his calling? He tells us to feed the poor and care for the orphan and the widow. He tells us to die to ourselves and live for others.  Sure, I've made baby step progress in these areas but clearly I'm nowhere good enough.  I'm not as good a person as Katie.

If Katie and I are both parts of this body of Christ, then she is the heart or brain or lungs. She is something useful and amazing. Me? I'm like the gallbladder; easily forgotten, purpose unknown and easily removed and thrown into a hazardous waste bag.

I wrestled with this a lot.  I mean, like threw this issue down to the floor and put it into a choke hold.  I said, "God...show me the answer to this. Help me understand where I fit into this because I feel so unusable."  Then I reached for the bible and found this scripture.  It's from 1 Corinthians.

12:4-6
"There are different kinds of gifts but the same Spirit.  There are different kinds of service but the same Lord.  There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men."

12:12-27
"The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body.  So it is with Christ.  For we were all baptized by one Spirit into one body -whether Jews or Greeks, slave or free -and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.  Now the body is not made up of one part but of many.  If the foot should say, 'Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body.  And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body.  If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? but in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.  If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.  The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't' need you!"  On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor.  And the parts that are unrepresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment.  But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other.  If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.  Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it."

These scriptures reflect how God wants us to work together but it's also very clear that he crafted each of us with a specific purpose in mind, like gears on a clock, each important and dependent on the other but with one purpose.  I am part of God's body.  So are you.    We are not all going to do the same job, have the same talents or serve the same way. 

I love the part where it says: "the parts that seem to be weaker are indispensable." How amazing is that?  When we all got lined up to play on God's team he didn't pick the most athletic or the fastest first. He picked me; the weak, slow, clumsy one.  Where man would pick me last, God picked me first and I am indispensable to him.

What makes you feel like you're not as good as someone else?

6 comments:

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    1. Thanks! Just checked out your site. Would totally consider using you if there weren't that pesky 2000 miles between us :)

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  2. I love that scripture you quoted. I have never read that. I certainly admire people who give their whole lives to serving others in another country or part of the world, but I think we are all cut out for different things. Each os us has a gift...one of yours is wrting and giving all of us readers things to think about to make ourselves better people. Or just make us laugh, which is equally valuable. I think what makes me feel worthless is when I feel like I am not doing enough to help my child, who has learning disabilities, succeed in school. I try, but we argue and butt heads and I just feel like the meanest, least patient human being that ever was. Logically I know this is not true, but in my spirit I can feel like it is.

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    1. I often felt that I shouldn't feel guilty if my gifts, my talents, my service looked different but it was so nice to have it confirmed, in writing. God is so good when he answers questions like that!

      I totally understand what you mean! I struggle the exact same way. I so often explode on my kids when I know I shouldn't. I'm not a bad mom but I too wish I had more patience. By the way, I think I once prayed for patience and this is God's way of giving it to me, by making me practice it over and over and over again. Don't ever pray for patience...he will send you through an audit process or something fun like that!

      I'm learning that I'm not the only one that's like this. That I'm part of a long history of Moms who lose their patience and that is part of parenting. At least that's what I tell myself to make me feel more "normal." :)

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  3. I'm glad you found scriptures to validate your worth as one who also gives. When I first began reading your post, I thought of thte time when my first child was going into kindergarten. Some of my church friends were putting their kids in Christian school or homeschooling. It made me wonder if our church's school would be better for my daughter. Then another mom, whose children attended public school, said, "You can't take ALL the Christians out of public school." And she was right. The battlefield is in many different places.

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  4. I guess it's just our human nature to try to out Christian each other :)

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