Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Turning Thirty Seven

My daughter and her friend...

"Want some of my mom's birthday cake?
"Sure! It's your mom's birthday?"
"It was yesterday."
"How old is she?"
"Thirty seven."
"WHOA! That's OLD!"

Ouch! That conversation made me wince a little bit but then I remembered that when I was 10 years old, thirty seemed practically geriatric! And 60? Well, you may as well change your name to Methuselah because you were practically a freak of nature for making it to that old of an age.

I had a good birthday. I got a watch and some funny cards.  I spent some time with friends and came home with a sore belly from laughing so hard.  I went out for sushi with my hubs and got plenty of hugs, gifts, texts, and Facebook shout outs.  All in all, I felt pretty loved.

Still, I couldn't help but feel disappointed that my dad (biological) didn't called me.  It shouldn't really be a surprise.  He hasn't called me in over two years.  It's not expected but it's one of those things that just makes my day when he remembers me and I always hope he will call. Isn't that silly? That I'm thirty seven and still, my heart jumped a little bit every time the phone rang because there was a possibility that my daddy would call? Kind of sad if you ask me. 

It's a total waste of time to go there.  I've been to that place before and it leads to nowhere.  It's what Dr. Seuss calls "The Waiting Place."

"…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or a No or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting. Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for
Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance."

Nah, I don't want to waste my time waiting.  I waited for too long and that waiting place is purgatory, a trap that keeps you from moving upward and being happy. As if he instinctively knew that I was feeling low, my son came and gave me a hug.  My boy gives the best kinds of hugs.  I've never taken hard drugs so it's just a guess but I'm pretty sure that Carter's hugs feel pretty similar to heroine.  The second he wraps his gangly arms around me, I can't help but close my eyes.  I feel a happy warmth all over my body and I am limp with ecstasy.  I never want it to end. It erases every thought, every feeling and everything around me. I am truly happy.  I'm pretty sure that if I started selling his hugs on the street, I could make millions.

6 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear about the father-daughter relationship. There will always be people in our lives who let us down. It hurts more the closer they are.

    You have a family, a loving family. You have friends. You have so much to be thankful for. Keep forgiving and I will pray for you.

    Dr. Seuss was a very wise man. I love the part about waiting for the pot to boil. I hate waiting for things. Sometimes I stare at my pots, knowing that if I walk away one might boil over and make a huge mess, so I stay. I consider grabbing something to read or dishes to wash.

    I once thought that something had to happen when I turned 30, but nothing did. Oprah said that life got really good at age 40 and beyond. Well, I'm not there yet! Enjoy living in the moment and enjoy being 37 along with me.

    Tina at Happy Moms, Happy Homes http://happymomshappyhomes.blogspot.com

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  2. Thirty seven is feeling REALLY good, Christina. I think it takes a really long time to grow into your own skin and be happy with who you are. It takes a lot of acceptance, love and grace but I'm thinking that's why each year gets better...because I love myself so much more than I did when I was 27!

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  3. Trust me - You're still very young. :)

    Happy Belated Birthay!

    My unsolicited advice: Write letters to your father with no expectations of a response. I'm guessing that he loves you and would like to hear from you. He just doesn't know how to be a daddy.

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  4. Anita, that is very good advice! Thank you so much! I suspect you are correct. When he was a drinker, he would call me about once a year and beg for forgiveness and tell me how much he loves me. He doesn't drink anymore- which is a good thing- but he also doesn't have the honest abandon anymore.

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  5. I'm glad you're open to it. You're a writer, so hop to it!
    Keep it light... the kids, vacations, your interests, etc. And write at least once a month. It will be a blessing to someone (dad) who needs to be blessed; a probably for you, too. :)

    Thanks for sharing this personal experience with me and your others, and for letting me respond.

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  6. I think I might start with something really simple. Like sending him some school pictures of the kids! :)

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